Hello! My name is Jessie Askinazi, and I am so happy to connect with you. Here’s a photo of me haunting around swampland while listening to “Laura Palmer’s Theme” from the Twin Peaks soundtrack:
This marks my first post! You can read more about me + The Crimson Coyote media project in my about page if you’re curious.
I wanted to post today because it is World Mental Health Day. Most people I know and love have suffered from some kind of mental health or personality disorder at some point in their lives. I myself have had to (and still) navigate depression, anxiety, and PTSD.
There have been plenty of days where I simply didn’t think that I could make it through. I have not always been able to access the help that I needed, and the healthcare system in the US is appalling for those who struggle with mental health conditions; all the cards are stacked against us.
Slowly, learning to manage symptoms and making great efforts to embrace life’s small pleasures has become enough. There is so much left to see and do- so many places to travel, so many records I haven’t yet found- so many friends to laugh with- so many poems to devour; I plan to share that here. I will also share more about my health journey in the first episode (CC00) of The Crimson Coyote podcast, so please stay tuned!
Some self-care methods that I’ve found most effective are: literally grounding myself by lying in grass, water (a hot shower or bath- and when I was living in LA, Koreatown’s amazing K-spas), cuddling animals, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, meditation, and engaging in a creative practice (simply for the act of expression).
The above photograph is one of my favorites I’ve taken. I took this picture in a “haunted” ride in Coney Island, Brooklyn, New York. I shot it on a LOMO LC-A+ and cross-processed the film. I didn’t even know if it would come out when I took it, but the apparition turned out so beautifully. It accurately represents the ghosts that leech onto us during spells of melancholia- the phantoms that writhe around in our chests.
It’s always been difficult for me to articulate what walking through life under the low-hanging cloud of depression is like. The following excerpt seems to articulate it best:
“Who has never killed an hour? Not casually or without thought, but carefully: a premeditated murder of minutes. The violence comes from a combination of giving up, not caring, and a resignation that getting past it is all you can hope to accomplish. So you kill the hour. You do not work, you do not read, you do not daydream. If you sleep it is not because you need to sleep. And when at last it is over, there is no evidence: no weapon, no blood, and no body. The only clue might be the shadows beneath your eyes or a terribly thin line near the corner of your mouth indicating something has been suffered, that in the privacy of your life you have lost something and the loss is too empty to share.”
-Mark Z. Danielewski, House of Leaves
I want to tell you that you are meaningful. Your life is meaningful. I’ll be here to remind you when you forget.
